I am used to being alone. But living alone in a remote area takes isolation to a whole new level for me. It is so remote that I am literally isolated whether I feel it or not. I go days at a time without seeing or talking to anyone. I did not appreciate the impact provided by the social interactions with people in my city neighborhoods. The casual relationships I forged during my morning walks with the dogs, the neighbor next door who trimmed our mutual fruit tree or the restaurant owner who recognized me and knew my order from memory. And how much these short daily casual interactions sustained me in my solitary lifestyle. But I do now. I am learning, understanding and appreciating anew the positive contribution the kind smiles, listening hearts and acknowledgements of my existence made to the improved quality and validation of my own daily existence yet none had the title of family, friend or lover.
And even those casual interactions did not change my feeling of being isolated. On the mountain there is the day to day living without human interaction seeing only the mountain creatures around me for days at a time. And although I feel really lonely sometimes, I never feel as isolated as I do when in the city. What is isolation? Feeling isolated versus being isolated are very different. I feel more alone in a group of people and to feel less alone, I escape to a place by myself and isolate for awhile. Yet isn’t being together supposed to keep us safe from loneliness? Prevent us from feeling isolated? Ensure we are fulfilled?
I hear it and see it everywhere. “Everyone needs to have someone special or they will never be truly happy.” “The only path to true fulfillment is by loving and through the love of another.” “Without friends and family, life has no meaning.” To me this implies that loving yourself is not enough. You must not only have friends and family but also a special person in your life who treasures you above all others or you will never achieve happiness. You are doomed to a life of loneliness and emptiness. Accomplishments will have no meaning. That seems to be the party line.
I wonder about this. Why are my life’s achievements without meaning unless there is someone with whom I can share them and has the title friend, family or lover? Can the love of a friend, family member or lover provide anything if I don’t love myself first? Am I achieving for myself or for the approval of others? Is it more important to be in a relationship than to love and be content with myself? Will a significant other make me happy if I cannot make myself happy?
I frequently encounter people unhappy with their partner. I wonder why they stay? Is being miserable with someone better than going it alone? Is it truly better for the kids or parents or community or whatever reason they believe they must remain miserable to be a ‘good person’ or do the ‘right’ thing. And isn’t family a subjective word? What about the family we find on our own? Not the one we are raised in but the one we find, if we are lucky, as we travel our life. Those beautiful entities, people, animals, plants, that comes into our life and make it better. They create a safe space where we are not isolated and feel free to be our true self. No masking. But these moments are fleeting and the entities that share them with us are too. They change, leave, die and one way or another, move on. Leaving us alone again. Being enough by ourself might allow us to fully enjoy sharing with others versus being dependent on them. To be able to celebrate our life with sincerity even when there is no other entity to bear witness seems like pure joy.
Friends are lovely to be sure but true friends are far and few. What is a friend versus an acquaintance? Many people label all their acquaintances as friends but are they truly? I guess like family, friend is also a subjective word. Generally, in a personal situation, we expect more from friends than we do acquaintances. When and how does someone move from an acquaintance to a friend? We all have our own answer to this question. How we each feel about this will directly affect our expectations and how we perceive each other’s actions and words. Should this be a topic of conversation between people? Would we save ourselves disillusionment and disappointment if we spent some time understanding each other’s friend versus acquaintance standards and expectations? And do these friends or acquaintances keep you from feeling isolated or alone?
People believe they know each other, but do we ever really know anyone? Do we even really know ourselves? Does anyone truly know us? Isn’t everything subject to the perception of the beholder? Isn’t everything subject to change? People change. To think we can know forever how we are going to feel about anything or anyone seems unreasonable to me. Life has so many curve balls it ruthlessly lobs at us, is it realistic to expect someone to never change in how they feel about something or someone? Are the relationships that last the longest the ones devoid of expectations and forever pledges? Perhaps they just meander along day to day and year over year and before anyone is fully aware, they have lasted a lifetime.
So what really creates the state of isolation? How do I solve this riddle? This riddle of being lonely with “loved ones” and feeling content when alone? And do others feel like this or am I alone with this riddle? I have never felt less isolated and more emotionally safe than when I am with my dogs and cat. They love sincerely. They actually notice and really care if I am happy or sad or even in the room. And their communication with me is so clear and honest. No games. No confusion. No hurt. If we could love each other like our furry companions love us, would we feel less isolated when together?
Is isolation a state of mind? A physical state of being alone? Does being surrounded by loving people physically and at the same time completely alone in your thoughts, feelings and beliefs create isolation and loneliness that lessen when you are alone again? I wonder if conforming to keep the people around me comfortable puts me in a state of isolation? I wonder if others do this too and if they feel lonely? I wonder if my living remotely and alone is actually not isolation but freedom to be my true self. The freedom to make choices on who I spend time with based on mutual interest versus a fear of being alone. And by doing so do I give those people a more authentic relationship? Do I provide a less selfish relationship because it is not about expecting them to fill a need I can’t fill for myself? Do I approach them more whole and therefore can give them more? Am I alone in these thoughts? I wonder?